The Illusion of Being in Control
By Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D., L.P.C.
“I just want to be in control!” In over twenty years of practice as a psychotherapist, counselor and coach, how often have I heard that one? “I just want to be in control!” I’ve heard it too many times to count. Moreover, it’s been my experience that I usually hear it from people whose emotions and behaviors are “out of control,”—usually people who have long-standing addictions/compulsions (smoking, drugging, and overeating), or whose lives are driven by far too much anger, worry, and anxiety.
Here is a typical conversation I have with clients who are phobic of airplane travel.
Client: I’m just terrified of flying on an airplane.
Therapist: Statistically, flying in an airplane is actually safer than
driving a car. Where does this fear come from? Have you ever been in
a plane crash?
C: Well, no. And I know planes have fewer accidents than cars. I just have
to be in control.
T: Of what?
C: Of everything—of whatever is going to happen!
T: You want to be in control of everything? The weather? The people around
you?
C: Well, no, but what if the plane crashes?
T: Oh, now I understand. You want to be in charge of the plane. Do you
have a pilot’s license?
C: No.
T: Do you think you should be in the cockpit flying the plane instead of
the pilot? That’s a scary thought!
C: Well, no, but I’m afraid of losing control if something happens.
T: You mean like the plane loses an engine, or crashes, or has turbulence?
C: Yeah.
T: What will happen if you lose control?
C: Well, what if I fall apart? What if I make a fool of myself? What if
I can’t handle it? What if I die?
T: So how much control do you have over all this fear and worry?
C: Well—actually, none whatsoever. That’s why I’m here.
It’s the same with addictions like smoking, drugging and overeating. They are “out-of-control” attempts at control over circumstances that seem otherwise uncontrollable. A smoker smokes to get control over anxiety and stress, but how much control does he have over smoking and the subsequent health risks? An overeater eats excessively to get control over boredom or loneliness, but ends up with out-of-control eating and out-of-control weight gain.
Best selling author, Steven Covey defines an addiction as an experience that:
- Creates predictable, reliable sensations
- Becomes the primary focus and absorbs attention
- Temporarily eradicates pain and other negative sensations
- Provides an artificial sense of self-worth, power, control, security, intimacy, or accomplishment
- Exacerbates the problems and feelings it was sought to remedy
- Worsen functioning and creates loss of relationships
When I ask people who smoke, take illegal drugs and overeat what is so important about their habits, they tell me that the habit calms down their difficult emotions—gives them a sense of control—so they can handle daily life. Paradoxically, daily life eventually gets harder to handle when smokers develop emphysema, cardiac problems and cancer, when drug use leads to mood swings, personality changes, and psychosis due to brain damage, and when overeating leads to obesity and a myriad of health risks. When I ask, “And how much control do you have over smoking (or drugging or overeating)?” The answer is always the same: “None whatsoever. That’s why I’m here.”
By the way, fear and worry are addictive too. An addiction to fear and worry is a neurosis. Instead of seeing fears and worries as just silly, irrational thoughts that can be easily discounted, neurotics form strong attachments to their fears and worries—reinforcing them, dwelling on them, giving them serious attention, believing them, until those thoughts seem so positively real and convincing that they lead to panic and anxiety.
I hate to burst someone’s bubble, but bubble-bursting comes with the territory. Wanting to be in control does not work! It does not work because it is a fear-based, ego-based illusion. It is a wish to control events in order to avoid taking responsibility. I know that last sentence is going to confuse many people, so let me explain.
The desire to be in control is fear-based, because it activated by the fear of things that could go wrong. Often it is the desire to control things that are uncontrollable, unpredictable, and improbable. It is the fear of “what if…” “What if the plane crashes? What if other people do things I don’t like? What if something terrible happens to my loved ones? What if I get sick? What if I die? What if I make a fool of myself?” A coward dies a thousand deaths and a neurotic endures a thousand tragedies. These are good ways to scare yourself, but not good ways to feel safe, confident, competent, or calm. What if you stop worrying and think rationally for a change? You can never anticipate every bad thing that could possibly happen, so why waste your energy?
The desire for control is ego-based because it presumes that you should be in charge of events and other people and the world should behave according to your wishes, so you won’t be bothered with having to come up with solutions to problems. Heaven forbid life should hand you problems, because then you have to take responsibility!
Some people say, “There are no accidents,” meaning “Everything happens for a reason.” According to this philosophy, whatever is meant to happen is going to happen, and every thing that happens eventually fulfils a higher purpose in the grander scheme of the universe. Conversely, some people liken life to a poker game dealt by fate, in which “you play the cards you’ve been dealt.” Either way, the idea of control becomes a mere illusion. No one has all the answers, because we are all merely students of life, and we learn by living, by experiencing our emotions, and yes, often by making mistakes.
Instead of the futile task of trying to take control, why not take responsibility? Response-ability is the ability to respond—to whatever happens, in a way that is consistent with your life purpose, beliefs, and values. If you really believe that good health is an essential part of a fulfilled life, then why are you smoking or drugging or overeating? Take responsibility for your health and throw away the cigarettes, get clean, get on a good nutritional plan and start exercising. If you value serenity and inner peace, then take responsibility for your thinking and stop scaring yourself. Try some time meditating, reading inspirational books, journaling, and praying. Don’t know how to relax? A good therapist can teach you.
Don’t know your purpose in life? Find one. Choose it or let it choose you. Either way, purpose gives life meaning, and keeps you going, despite setbacks. It gives you determination and motivation, even when the odds are against you. When you really get honest about what matters, life decisions become easier. It’s not a matter of what you can control, but what serves your purpose, supports your values, and fulfills your passions.
Responsibility means doing things you don’t necessarily like or enjoy, because you are willing to do whatever it takes (in accordance with your morals, ethics and values) to accomplish the results you want. Doing whatever it takes might mean making big changes in your lifestyle, your health practices, your communication skills, and your thinking patterns. It might mean taking a good long look at your shortcomings and facing up to the fact that you are yet not an expert on the art of living, and you’d do well to find reputable teachers, mentors, and role models.
The results you want? When I ask my clients, “What do you want?” nine out of ten will tell me what they don’t want. “I don’t want to be afraid…I don’t want to be overweight…I don’t want to yell at my kids…I don’t want to smoke.” These are not outcomes. They are complaints. Outcomes are stated in the positive—What you DO want. When you begin focusing on the solution instead of the problem, and finding ways to accomplish the solution—well, congratulations! That’s called “taking responsibility.”
Judith E. Pearson, Ph.D. is a Licensed Professional
Counselor, writer, and speaker with a counseling and
coaching practice in Springfield, Virginia, specializing
in hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Her
web site is www.engagethepower.com.